Published on February 4th, 2013 | by Tom Firehill


The Best 100 Funny Quotes and One Liners

Here are the top 100 quotes and one liners that will put a smile on your face, They make fun of everyday chores, marriage, aging, work, politics etc. Hopefully these will brighten up your day.

1. “My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not you’ll become a philosopher” – Socrates, Greek Philosopher

2. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments” – Earl Wilson

3. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition”. Marilyn Monroe

4. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

5. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

6. “Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown.

7. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

8. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” Barbra Streisand

9. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police”. – Unknown.

10. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson.

11. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen

12. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

13. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” Wilson Mizner

14. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wild

15. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” – Chris Rock

16. “Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” – Unknown

17. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ – Claude Pepper

18. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” – Dennis Miller

19. “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” – Unknown.

20. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

21. “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” – Ethel Mumford

22. “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” – George Jessel

23. “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience” – Mark Twain

24. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

25. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man” – Lana Turner

26. “The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby” – Natalie Wood

27. “Now I started remembering why I don’t remember anything!” – Homer Simpson

28. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wild

29. “If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side” – Unknown

30. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

31. “Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.” – Mark Twain

32. “My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it’s too weak to go very far.” – Bob Thaves

33. “Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage” – Ambrose Bierce

34. “A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears” – Les Dawson

35. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it” – Henny Youngman

36. “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wild

37. “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!” – Homer Simpson

38. “A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one” – Mae West

39. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them” – George W. Bush

40. “It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” – Novjot Singh Sidhu

41. “I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.” – Les Dawson

42. “I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.” – George Burns.

43. “Do you realize if it weren`t for Edison we`d be watching TV by candlelight?” – Ronald Reagan

44. “I love people; it’s mankind I can’t stand.” – Mark Twain

45. “The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything” – Oscar Wild

46. “You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That’s why I never take baths.” – Katherine Hepburn

47. “Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own” – Unknown

48. “Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” – Rae Mae brown

49. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Woody Allen.

50. “Television? The word is half Latin and half Greek. No good can come of it.” – Brook Shields.

51. “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Margaret Mead

52. “Without fools the rest of us could not succeed.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

53. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles De Gaulle, President of France (1959-1969)

54. “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” – Donald Rumsfeld

55. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carey

56. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

57. “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra

58. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain

59. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive”. –Elbert Hubbard

60. “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five” –Groucho Marx

71. “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” –Erma Bombeck

72.  “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days” – Robin Williams

73. “A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” –Bill Vaughan

74. “Dogs have masters. Cats have staff” –Unknown

75. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

76. “They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.” – Unknown

77. “Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.” –unknown

78. “A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” –Fred Allen

79. “Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones

80. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

81. “Action is the antidote for despair.” –Ronald Reagan

82. “You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.” –Will Rogers

83. “Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little.” -Unknown

84. “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Unknown.

85. “Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” –Mark Twain

86. “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” –Isaac Asimov

87. “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? –Christina Aguilera

88. “You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.” –Donald Rumsfeld

89. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” –Unknown

90. “You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.” –Robert Paul

91. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included” –Bernard Manning

92. “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing” –Jay Leno

93. “TV has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.” – George W. Bush

94. ” The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.” –Les Dawson

95. “My girlfriend said to me in bed last night’ ‘you’re a pervert’ I said, ‘that’s a big word for a girl of fifteen.” –Ellen DeGeneres

96. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” –Katherine Hepburn

97. “Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.” –Mark Twain.

98. “All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.” –Woody Allen

99. “You know, television was actually invented in the 1890s, but they couldn’t get it to work until the ’40s when they came out with gaffer tape.” –Jane Wagner

100. “Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” Britney Spears

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